What I Should Have Said

16 Feb

I was having a conversation with my mom and we were talking about family, as we often do. It made me think about two very important members of my family who are no longer with us as well as a close friend who passed away two years ago.

I wrote this last year the week of Easter 2008. Easter week is always a hard time because my grandfather, who meant the world to me, passed away 5 years ago on March 26, 2003. I wasn’t able to see him before he passed away because of being in different states and work and wasn’t able to go to his funeral which hurts me everytime I think about it. Now, this year, Thanksgiving is going to be hard because it was in November that I lost my last living grandfather and I wasn’t able to make it to his funeral either due to circumstances. Two of the biggest, strongest, yet most gentle people in my life are no longer here and it still takes a minute to realize that. Both of my grandfathers were special in their own way and I loved both of them very much. I also think about my friend, Brian, who passed away October 2006. Brian was killed in a car accident while on vacation in Florida with his brand new wife. We were best friends for a long time, but as many paths do, they went their own directions and we didn’t talk as much as we used to. This is something that hurts me everyday because now we don’t have that chance to make up for lost time.

It makes me stop and think about those in my life that I truly care about, those who have made a place in my heart that no one else can ever touch, and also those that aren’t here with me anymore. These are the people I am most thankful for. There are always things you wish you had said and done, but you always assume people know how you feel. It never hurts to remind them once in awhile while you have the chance. I’m not meaning to be morbid or sound sad because I’m not at all, I’m just in a thinking kind of mode and taking time out to verbally appreciate those that I care about. Just something to think about, that’s all…and that being said, here is yet ANOTHER attempt at writing…I need to stop that, don’t I? LOL…it’s just all about taking a chance while you have it and not waiting until it’s gone and you wish you still had it. Doing something is alot easier than wishing you had. Put your pride aside and just say what you feel and say what you mean, it might make a difference in someone’s day. (As you can tell, I’m a big supporter of just putting it out there…LOL…Life isn’t a series of do-overs, mulligans, or gimmes…it’s a one time shot, get it right while you can)

I’m lying in this empty room, shadows of the past finally revealed

The bruises on my heart aren’t yet completely healed

It’s not because of what you did, it’s what I should have said

It’s been a month since you left me here

Standing on my own with my regrets and fear

My insecurities seem to reappear, but not because of what you did,

But because of what I should have said

Words I never said out loud, just assumed you always knew

As I look back now, I would have said them out loud to you.

The words are forever in my heart, in a place we used to share

I wish I had just one more chance to make sure you knew I cared.

The flowers are faded from the sun as I stand here looking down

Your headstone seems so lonely now that people have stopped coming around.

I still come here everyday and sit beside your grave

I love you, I miss you, I need you

Even though it’s too late now, these are the things I say

I realize now how life can turn in a heartbeat or the blink of an eye

I make a point to say I love you to those that mean the most

It’s easier to say those words now than after you’ve said goodbye

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