Ya Just Gotta Laugh … Really

15 Sep

Ok, why is it that anything off kilter than can happen ALWAYS happens when Dave and I go to Myrtle Beach? Is it karma for us making fun of everything, chasing hookers? Where to start …


Stopped at K & W Cafeteria in Myrtle Beach upon our arrival, starving and craving some of their awesome cafeteria food only to find out that they closed at 2pm! Yes, closed! Wound up eating Mexican food (but it was great). We arrive on Monday afternoon at our usual home away from home, the Hampton Inn and Suites Oceanfront. Great rate, tenth floor oceanfront room. Sounds great, right? We drive up to the 3rd floor rooftop parking area, lug all of our stuff from the car, down some stairs to the door only to find out that Junior running the front desk did not code our keys. Dave drove back down and had to get new keys. We get into our room and the room was hot and the internet was not working. Dave called downstairs to get it fixed and the same kid that failed to code our keys answered the phone and told David he was eating dinner but would reset the server when he was done. Really? So much for customer service. Later that night, we go from empty hotel to BUSLOADS of RUDE people, the Mexican Shriners, the Lesbian brigade (and not the sexy ones you see in porn, I mean those that can bench press a small bus), and I swear to God, the entire elderly population has descended like a buncha Ensure swigging locusts. I mean BUSLOADS. After our usual late night hunt for hookers on the prowl, we went to Denny’s for a late night (and I do mean LATE NIGHT) dinner since it was the only thing open at midnight and can I tell you that the freaks really do come out at night? Our waitress, Flo (and trust me, you do NOT want to kiss her grits because you might wind up with gosh knows what), literally had 4 teeth. We ordered our food, and about midway through our meal, Menudo sat down behind us and all of a sudden, all you could smell was the saturating, tart smell of hot sauce and eggs, not pleasant at 1:00am. Time to go back to the room.


This brings us to Tuesday … David spent most of the day working while I was out fending off the intoxicating aroma of Ensure, Garlique, Dent-u-Creme, 70’s deodorant Stayfee Maxi Pads and Hawaiian Tropic from the senior activity day being held at the pool. You couldn’t get in the water because there was NO room, the lazy river wasn’t lazy at all because it had so many asses to move around it. Dave gets back, we went to try K&W again for lunch and actually made it before closing. We sat and ate our food while basking in the wonderous odor of someone’s failure to bathe. Loved it! LOL…the fried chicken rocked! We stopped to buy his daughter a sharks tooth necklace at a place called Whales – can you say $16.99??? We went next door to another little baech store, we got one for 69 cents! Can you believe the mark up? We got back to the room, chilled out for a bit, then Dave went out to call his woman. I walked out onto the balcony and two humping dragonflies the size of small aircraft (and they sounded like it too) flew into the room and I was flailing around like a ballerina with Tourette’s trying to shoo them outside. David FINALLY came back and was hysterical trying to get them out with a pillow. (See video on page for proof).


And then comes Wednesday … Dave left early to get his work done and I headed to the wonderfully deserted pool at 9:30am. The weather was great, a nice breeze and it was just me and the lazy river. After nearly two hours of wonderful solitude on the inside of the world’s largest Easy Bake oven, here come the masses. In a matter of 5 minutes, there was NOWHERE to sit, you couldn’t find room in any of the pools, and I know there was someone peeing in each one because they don’t allow Depends in there. It was LOUD, people were talking about things I didn’t need to hear about like how the new pacemaker was working and how they were adjusting to wearing dentures. I needed to leave, bad. I went inside and waited for Dave. He finally got home and we headed out to lunch at TGI Fridays. We ordered the fried green beans as an appetizer. About 25 min goes by and still no beans. We asked where they were and the waiter went to check. Came back and said the kitchen gave our order to another table and they’d be right out. They came out with the meal. Needless to say, they were comped. Got back to the room, took naps, then got up to go to dinner. We drove 20 minutes from the hotel to House of Blues, parked and realized the debit card was in the hotel room. We drove back, got the card, and decided to try a restaurant at the Pier since it was closer and it was so late. Hence began the debaucle known as “The Pier House Restaurant Incident”. Looked like a great place, situated on the pier overlooking the Grand Strand. We had a waiter who thought he was Ricky Martin only his bon bon wasn’t as good and the gap between his teeth would house two Mac trucks. He took our orders about 9pm: an appetizer of chicken rolls, crab cakes with mashed potatoes for me and a NY Strip for Dave. After about 30 min, out comes our appetizer, spinach dip! We tell Ricky that we ordered chicken rolls and his response? “I wrote down Spinach, why don’t you just eat that?”. We bit our tongues, ate it. About 15 min after that, he came back to refill our teas and David asked if he could add some sauteed mushrooms to the order and his response? “Sure, I haven’t sent your order in yet”, REALLY? Almost an hour and you haven’t sent our order in yet? Finally, our order comes out. We ate, pissed off, but we ate and kept our mouths shut. When we were done, the waiter said he comped our drinks to make up for his mistake. THEN…yes, there’s a then … he went to run the credit card and the machine was broken! We had to wait for the system to come back up. Needless to say, NO TIP and we bolted. I got back to the room and decided I wanted a Twix, so I went downstairs and got caught up in the swarm of seniors trying to swim upstream from the bus that just let them out at the door, literally no less than about 50 of them trying to cram in the elevators!


Is it time to go home yet??? LOL



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