A Serious Letter To My Government

12 Jan

Dear US Government,

Since you’re already wanting to play the role of micromanager of everything we do, eat or say can you please add what we wear to that list? Please make it illegal to wear the following in public:

Men: Biker shorts, shorty shorts, anything cotton candy pink, the bathing suits that look like a slingshot made famous by Sacha Baron Cohen, gold chains with medallions nested in overly hairy chests, Speedos (unless you’re an Olympic swimmer), Crocs with or without socks, Air Jordans (they went out years ago), fanny packs of any size or color, murses (no, they’re not satchels, they’re man purses and you know it.)

Women: Pajama jeans, spandex over the age of 30 (younger if you can see cottage cheese anywhere on the body), anything that shows butt crack or mid-driff if you don’t have the body to flaunt it, sparkly glitter eye shadow over the age of 21 (except on holiday occasions and except Reba, she can rock that stuff), holiday themed clothing that lights up, jingles or has stitchings of snowmen, reindeer, Santa, presents, fireworks, champagne glasses, etc, visible thongs for sizes over 14, any baby blue makeup, Walmart stretchy pants (exception: Thanksgiving and Christmas when it’s necessary and to prevent injury from flying buttons and breaking zippers), fanny packs of any size or color, pajamas at the store (even if you’re only in there for a quick loaf of bread) and those dumb adult onesies.

If we can’t take pride in our appearance, what can we take pride in anymore?

Sincerely,
Concerned citizen #34,888,654,000

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